Old Teacher's Joke

 I hope these post-mortem letters find you well! In accordance with the union’s recommendation, I have drafted my will to prepare for the upcoming school year. Looks like they were right! Writing my will took no time at all as I have no assets and crippling student loan debt 10 years into my career. So, with the extra time, I thought I would compose some letters to those I have left behind.

Dear Admin,

The sub-plans are on my desk. All the materials you will need for the lesson can be found… haha, just kidding, go fuck yourself.

Dear Students,

This is not your fault. Unless you refused to wear a mask, then it’s a tiny bit your fault. It may feel as though you are being told your life is not valuable because you are being put in harm’s way. Never let someone make you feel less than and certainly not just for the sake of their convenience. I hope this year teaches you how much we all need to care for each other, but if you learned nothing this year, I hope my death has provided you with a good topic for your college essays.

Dear Favorite Student,

Remember those “it gets better videos”? Well, clearly that was a lie. You are truly our only hope. Please isolate yourself until this is over.

Dear Parents,

The bad news: there is now no one to watch your child during the day.

The good news: parent-teacher conferences will have super flexible hours this year! I believe the hours for the cemetery are from sun up until sundown.

Dear Boyfriend,

(Sorry everyone, I don’t sleep on a cot that pulls out from underneath my desks, I actually have loved ones!)

Despite having a more advanced degree and more years of experience in my field, we both know I made less than you. For that reason, and because I spent most of my salary on school supplies, I am unable to help with the funeral costs. Please feel free to repurpose my “World’s Best Teacher” mugs as you see fit.